


A Very Particular Set Of Skills

by TottPaula



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: A Particular Set Of Skills, Anger, Angst and Humor, BAMF Bruce Wayne, Batdad, Bruce Wayne is a Good Parent, Bruce's kids, Family Feels, Fear of Abduction, Fear of Discovery, Frightened Harley, Gen, Never Challenge Bruce Wayne!, Not What They Expected, Running Away, Scared Joker, Taken speech
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-11
Updated: 2019-05-11
Packaged: 2020-02-29 20:42:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18785830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TottPaula/pseuds/TottPaula
Summary: Joker and Harley are having a slow day, they're bored so they decide to mess around with Bruce Wayne.But Bruce has a very particular set of skills, skills that make him a nightmare for people like the Joker and Harley.They make the terrible decision to attempt to threaten him using his children as bait, and they hope to amass his fortune and holdings just for shits and giggles.They should have known better.It won't end well for the Clown Prince of CrimeBruce is a very protective dad, never ever threaten his kids.(I almost feel bad for Joker and Harley. But I really don't)





	1. Boredom Breeds Bad Ideas

**Author's Note:**

> Saw this as a prompt on Pinterest under DC Bland Head canons.
> 
> I imagined that it would happen to be a nice change and a cute short story.
> 
> I hear Mark Hammill in my head as the Jokers iconic character.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This'll be an easy scheme, thought Joker and Harley.  
> Claim to have kidnapped Bruce Wayne's children, and ask for his entire empire in exchange for their return.

 

** Joker and Harley were extremely bored one evening. Nothing good would ever come from this! **

 

"Hey Harls, let's do something dangerous and fun today, I'm so _bored_." Joker beseeched.

"Well, can we get something good from it, Puddin'?"

"Oh yes, most definitely, and it will be very profitable, we'll gain an entire empire, would that wet your whistle, Harley?"

"Oh baby, would it! Which empire are ya talkin' about, Mistah J?"

"How would you like being a partner, owning all of Bruce Wayne's holdings? He has enough to keep us in cash for eons!" Joker grinned.

"But how are we gonna do that? His security is _real_ tight." Harley worried.

"We poke and prod at him where he's the most vulnerable, his children."

Harley squeals, while Joker laughs.

"So, whaddya gonna do first, Puddin'?" Harley asked.

"I'll call Mr. Wayne and tell him we have his children, and if he doesn't sign all of his many holdings over to us, we'll simply kill them all."

"But how are we gonna kidnap all of them Wayne kids?"

"That's the genius part, Harls, we just make him _think_ we did!"

"Oh, baby, I love you so much! You are just the bestest and the most smartest man in the whole world!"

Harley gave Joker a big wet smooch.

"I'll use a voice filter, he'll never know what hit him! We'll be filthy rich!"

 

\---to be continued next chapter


	2. A Very Particular Set Of Skills - Oh No!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Never mess with Bruce's family.
> 
> Never.

Bruce is driving home from a long and difficult day at work when his private cell rings.

It's from an unknown number, but that doesn't mean that it's spam, not in his world.

**_"Bruce Wayne here."_**

An electronically disguised voice says to him, 

**"Mr. Wayne, we have your children. If you don't sign over all of your holdings..."**

In an angry Batman-like gravelly voice he replies,

" **Listen to me, I'll say this once and once only... "**

**"I don't pay ransoms,"**

 

**"I don't know who you are,"**

**"I don't care what you want,"**

**"I don't care where you're hiding,"**

 

**"But what I do have are a very particular set of skills."**

**"Skills I have acquired over a very long career,"**

 

**"Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you."**

**"If you let my children go now, that will be the end of it."**

 

**"I will not look for you."**

**"I will not pursue you."**

 

**"But if you don't,"**

 

_**"I will look for you,"**_

_**"I will find you,"**_

_**"And I will kill you.**_ "

 

Joker hangs up, he and Harley are very visibly shaken.

_"Oh my God, this is your worst idea evah, Puddin, he's gonna kill us both!" Harley whined._

_"Omigod, he's scary, so scary!"_ Joker yelped, his eyes large with fear.

_"Just give him his kids back, I'm shakin, Joker, I"m so scared!" Harley shivered, her arms hugging herself._

_"But Harls, we don't even have his kids, remember, we were bluffing!" Joker explained, waving his arms around._

_"I think you're right, we're both gonna die, baby. He's gonna find and moider us both!..." Harley finds a big duffel bag and begins packing her clothes haphazardly, tossing in clothes by the fistful._

_"We need to leave Gotham, pack up your shit and let's get the fuck out of here!" She shrieks._

**Author's Note:**

> So I had an idea inspired by one of those funny 'DC Bland Headcanons' that I love to read.
> 
> It was merely a paragraph long, and I simply added a bit to fill it out.
> 
> It was mild until the last part where Joker and Harley are panicked, understanding that Bruce is a BAMF. That turned dark fast.
> 
> I wasn't sure whether to play it off as serious or not.
> 
> What do you think, did I do it proper justice?
> 
> #Batdad  
> #BAMF-Bruce  
> #Dontmesswithmykids
> 
> Comments are very welcome.
> 
> Thanks so much for dropping by to read my tiny fic.


End file.
